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F*** my Valentine

This February 14th while others are spending time with someone they hold dear to their heart, I’ll be watching zombies tear through flesh in order to eat someone’s heart.

I (like many other single people out there) am choosing to boycott Valentines Day. Oh don;t gt me wrong, I’ll be on a date that night. However, it’s a date with George A. Romero’s Land of the Dead. I have chose to have a zombie movie marathon and declare February 14th Zombietine’s Day. DAH DAAAAH! *spirit fingers*

Now before you get all upset, hear a brotha guy out.  There are many reasons why I chose to change Valentine’s Day.

The first is the typical argument against it and that is I’T’S A HALLMARK HOLIDAY!. FACT: 25%of all cards sent each year are Valentines.  So much money goes into useless crap.  WTF  am I going to do with a Valentines card after it’s given to me?

The second reason is a personal one.  I’m bitter because like so many years before, I do not have someone to share it with.

Every year this time comes around and I feel left out like Ralph Wiggum. I would always hope there is a Lisa Simpson somewhere willing to spare a Valentine and Choo Choo Choose Me it has a picture of a train LAWL.

Perhaps I’m just a hopeless romantic or just plain hopeless.  I long for the valentines day where I celebrate all that is love with someone special.  Attempting to cook a romantic dinner or sending surprise flowers are only thoughts that have yet to become memories.  😦


I’m not the only one spending Valentines Day alone.  There are more people that will be minus a plus-one than there will be together.

If you are alone this Valentines Day there are two options;

  • OPTION A: You can go guns blazing and take a risk.  It’s the 9th inning and you’re down by one home run so you can swing for the fences and do the unthinkable…ask that someone out to dinner.  I know it’s a shocking thought but what do you have to lose?  You know you have liked them since a day, a month, a year, forever, birth, the cows came home.  ANYWAY it’s time to hop to it bunny.  Now If your scared to ask face-to-face, you can always  send a Facebook message you creep their profile enough, a phone call or a good ol’ fashioned carrier pigeon.   Either they will say ‘yes ‘SUCCESS! or they will say’ no’ and get eaten by zombies. and then you will at least know that it’s time to move on and there is someone better suited for you They will fit perfectly in your arms!
  • OPTION B: No Love interests?  Take a page out of my book and declare February 14th your own personal day.  I chose to watch zombie flicks because that’s what sinks my battleship.  So ask yourself; what can you do on that day?  Why don’t you have a movie marathon minus the romance because that will just make you a sad panda or get together with friends and have a game night or go out to dinner?  Just have fun!

Well that’s it for me, I have Zombies who are also looking for thier soul-mate..get it soul…ahh nevermind. to get to.

Smell ya Later.

P.S. If you chose Option B, I would like to hear your idea so leave a comment in the comment section below.



F my Heartbreak

Usually the stereotypical love story is often reserved for the female gender. Men, are often portrayed as the take-no-prisoners-300-gladiator-this-is-muhf***in’-Spartan beasts.  We are hairy, disgusting and despise the word ‘commitment’.
However, that is not true and we can experience heartbreak with the best of them.

Recently, I am was seeing this girl.  She was smart, mature and very pretty.  Best of all our personalities matched. They were bff’s ❤ We would text non-stop and I mean NON-STOP.  Things were going great until  she said:

Which at first I was like: Where does she get off pretending to be Heath Ledger’s Joker? but I could understand.  We continued to date and date and date.  We even exchanged presents at Christmas.  She got me this super-cool Zombie Survival Guide calendar.

Anywho, we were supposed to ring in the new year together and par-tay like it was 2011.  I wanted my 1st real New Year’s kiss Unfortunately she got sick and our plans fell like Jimmy Buffett.
Over the past couple of weeks we would continue to text but not as much as we used to.


My conscious was telling me something: She is no longer into you.

She didn’t responded to my texts but the final straw came when SHE DIDN’T POKE ME BACK ON FACEBOOK!!!!!!!!

Then I received the text. You know what I’m talking about, it’s the ‘Idontwanttoansweritbecasuei knowitsoverwith’ text

It read as follows;

I’m not mad….I just wasn’t sure how to tell you how I was feeling…I think you should know that I started seeing someone.

I was actually okay with it. I came to the realization that this was where it was heading. I wish her the best because she is a great girl.

As for me, I will down tubs of cookies & cream Haagan-Dazs while watching Rom-Coms and hoping one day I will find love mutual-admiration.

BTW: I’m keeping the Zombie Survival Guide calendar, she’s SOL when the Zombie Apocalypse comes!

F my Intro

Welcome to the blogging stylings of Derek Schlueter. YAY!

Stay tuned as I will be publishing hard hitting news articles, opinion pieces and best of all; my life. You will see the good, the bad and the ugly as I see it through the black frames of my glasses.